The fear of being perceived

And it really is a fear!

For me, the fear of being perceived (let’s just call it FOP) has fuelled my decision-making for the past decade(!). I’ve avoided doing so many things, big and small. It’s taken a lot for me to even realise that I didn’t want to be seen.

Since when?

I think it started in sixth form (I say think because I’ve blocked those 2 years out).

It wasn’t a great environment to be in, let alone thrive in. An all girls grammar school that inflicted racism, classism, elitism, nepotism and white feminism. Another one thank you!

Obviously not an enjoyable experience and my discomfort(?) manifested in 2 main ways that I can remember:

1. Impostor syndrome. At a grammar school that literally accepted me because of my grades😵‍💫

2. Stuttering. Up until that point, speaking came so easily and freely that I spoke without thinking, so you can imagine how much a stutter gagged me (literally!)

So, I started to hate being seen in the classroom. Didn’t want any attention on me.

Then I went to uni, and a class of 20 turned into a lecture hall of 200😍

I remember being too scared to cough…

Girl..

And at work, an office of 5-6 people was equally scary. Less eyes on me but more guarantee that they’d be on me. It would take a while before I felt comfortable enough to get up from my seat to do anything other than leave at the end of the day. Because I was scared I’d trip or knock something over or make too much noise. Because I didn’t want to be noticed.

You get the gist. But FOP didn’t just stop me from doing; it stopped me from being. As a result, I hesitated to explore and express myself outwardly, sticking to the same looks and hairstyles for fear of what would be thought. Thought, not even said😰

I cared too much and, in hindsight, I guess I wanted to be in control of how people perceived me. Impossible!

Some of that desire is valid (I am a black woman = racialised = politicised). But I couldn’t and can’t let FOP rule me. I’m tired.

Just before lockdown I started my solo journey. Cinema, exhibitions, lil activities here and there. Previously, if I wasn’t with somebody then I wasn’t going, at my own expense; I missed out on a lot because I thought doing things alone made me look lonely (boooooo🍅). In 2022, I dyed my hair (16 year old me is backflipping) and took myself to Lisbon for my birthday. Now 95% of what I do is solo and inviting friends can be an afterthought. That in itself needs work because balance is 🔑

There’s been a breakthrough for sure, but it takes a lot more to undo 10 years of fear.

What is that ‘more’?

Idk. But I can share some points that I use to challenge my thoughts when FOP creeps in:

• Stop overthinking.

• “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? …if I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10 😮‍💨

• How can I let a hypothetical situation dictate my behaviour?

• I’m not responsible for other people’s thoughts.

• Try and recall the face of a stranger. Exactly, nobody cares. We’re all forgettable😃👍🏾

• I don’t want to waste any more years not being authentically me. Tems the philosopher once said time is of the essence.

Gotta take those thoughts captive, word to 2 Corinthians 4:5🤞🏾

I edited this one quite a few times. There’s no conclusion because I’m a WIP and will be for as long as I live. Maybe? I think everyone wrestles with FOP to varying degrees, but I’d love to be an aunty who doesn’t give a ****! I hope what I’ve written helps something shift or click.

If it does, put it in the comments🤩; if doesn’t, put it in the comments🤨

Also, check out this segment of a recent To My Sisters episode. Many a gem was dropped💎